


You Don't Know My Heart

by calilumina



Category: Game of Silence (US TV)
Genre: F/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2016-05-17
Packaged: 2018-06-09 01:37:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6883762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calilumina/pseuds/calilumina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gil suggests that he and Jessie try something new in the bedroom, but it doesn't go quite the way he planned.</p><p>Title and inspiration from the song "You Don't Know My Heart" by Rachel Platten.</p><p>Thanks to <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/users/ayy_zajjy/">ayy_zajjy</a> for beta-reading!</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Don't Know My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> The song "You Don't Know My Heart" just fit Gil and Jessie's relationship way too perfectly, I couldn't resist turning it into a short story scene!
> 
> I imagine this scene happening before the show's canon, relatively early in Gil and Jessie's relationship. Definitely at a time when Jessie doesn't know what happened at Quitman!

Gil’s foot got tangled in a knot of bed sheets as he rolled onto his back, pulling Jessie with him.  Her hair fell down over her shoulders, and the ends of it just barely tickled his chest. _Beautiful,_ he thought with a grin.  He sat up to connect his lips with hers. 

_Let’s try something new,_ he had said to her ten minutes prior, but it really was just an excuse to keep her in bed with him longer.  Being with her made him forget the world, like he was awake in a dream that had no end. 

The sheet wrapped around his ankle brought his thoughts back to the room.  Doing his best not to disturb Jessie in the process, he tried to kick around his foot to free it, without much success.  He let out a whimper of frustration and fell back towards the bed. 

Jessie giggled, and glanced playfully behind her towards the trap he was stuck in.  Not only did she know of his predicament, but she seemed to be enjoying it.  With a sly grin, she leaned down and brushed her lips against the center of his chest with a kiss, and then another just the same right above it. 

Her hands came up over his shoulders then slid down his arms, over his biceps and across the sensitive place on the inside of his forearm.  She intertwined her fingers with his and gave a gentle squeeze as her kisses ascended his neck and over his chin. 

Their lips touched once again, and once again Gil was taken away from the world and into a dream.  In that peaceful place, he could almost imagine taking down the walls around his heart and finally letting her see him, all of him.  To let her know all of his heart, good and bad, instead of the only part he was capable of giving away. 

Fingers still intertwined, Jessie slid Gil’s hands across the sheets up towards his head.  Her motive was amorous, but the way she forced his hands to move made Gil feel something dark in his gut, wanting to be let out.  He pushed it away, back down into the part of him that never saw light. _She’s not like that,_ his voice echoed in his mind.  He smiled as best he could and opened his eyes. 

Jessie had a playful look in her eyes.  A smile danced at the corners of her lips as she leaned her weight into his palms.  “What?” she taunted down at him. _What do you think you can do?_ The voice in Gil’s mind this time was of an older man, from many years ago. 

And suddenly the darkness that Gil pushed away came roaring back. 

Fear was what it felt like first, but then anger and helplessness and ferocity, and finally just pain.  He tried to pull his arms away, but Jessie was strong, and held him in place. “Jessie, don’t,” he pleaded.  He didn’t want her to stop all the way, just stop _doing that._

“I thought you wanted to try something different,” she countered. 

“No,” he said. “I mean, yeah, I do…” It was like his mouth couldn’t form the words he wanted to say. _God, this sucks._ He tried to pull his hands away from her once again, but she still held him tight. 

“Then what’s the problem?” she asked lightly, still not understanding his change in behavior. 

Gil’s stomach clenched as he tried to keep the pain inside.  To keep the hurricane from being unleashed.  He pulled in a deep breath and held it in his chest, as if the air would prevent the darkness from escaping through him.  He loved Jessie, and he would never say or do anything to mess up what they shared.  He just needed her to let go of his wrists. 

“ _This_ is the problem!”  The air in his lungs came out in a rush with his words, turning them into a shout much louder and angrier than he intended.  He immediately cringed and shut his eyes. _Damn it,_ he scolded himself. 

“Not all of this, wait,” he tried to correct his previous words, but Jessie was already moving away from him towards the edge of the bed with a frown on her face.  He clenched his hands into tight fists as she turned her back to him.  His wrists were finally free, but the relief was overwhelmed by heartache. 

“Jessie…” Gil sat up and reached out towards her, but something held his hand back from touching her skin. _She won’t understand,_ a younger version of his own voice said in his mind. _You’ll never be able to explain it to her._

Jessie pulled a t-shirt over her head in the silence that followed. _Maybe I can’t explain it,_ his older voice countered to the scared boy from a moment ago. _But I have to try._

“Jessie, I’m sorry,” he finally said. 

She gave a shrug and turned to face him once again. “There are better ways to tell me you don’t like something.”  She did nothing to hide her frustration, and her eyes had that look in them.  Hidden behind the deep and loyal affection she held for him, it was one that wrote off his actions as some sort of selfishness. 

_Still the same Gil,_ he could hear her saying. _It’s all about you._   

“I know,” Gil said quickly. “It’s not… I mean, I just…”  The words he so desperately wanted to say wouldn’t come out.  They seemed stuck in his chest and in his throat, and his mouth just wouldn’t work the way he needed. _I wish you could open me up and see._

Defeated, Gil hung his head.  He took a deep breath, and then another one as the words formed in his mouth.  “I don’t like being… held down.  Alright?  That’s all it is.”  He forced his eyes to look up at her, even as his head still hung. 

Jessie’s eyes studied him as she took a breath of her own.  They weren’t glossy, not filling with tears, which allowed Gil a small sigh of relief.  The only thing that hurt worse than his own pain was when she was upset and he couldn’t do a thing about it. 

“Alright,” Jessie said finally.  Her eyes softened, and the corners of her mouth turned up into a smile. “But next time, just a simple ‘I don’t like that’ would work.” 

Gil grinned. “Deal.”  He scrunched up one side of his face and asked playfully, “I really ruined the moment, didn’t I?” 

Jessie laughed. “Yeah, just a bit,” she said as she grabbed a pillow and smacked his shoulder with it.  Gil grabbed it and yanked, pulling her into his arms.  He wrapped them around her in a warm hug before falling back onto the sheets once again. 

She still didn’t know all the secrets of his heart - some were just too unbearable to share.  Gil just hoped that if that day ever came, it wouldn’t change what they had together. 


End file.
